XElders Strike!
by Red Witch
Summary: Imagine if you will a reality where our favorite young heroes and villians are older. A lot older. But still just as crazy and reckless with their powers.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any X-Men Evolution Characters is lost in some creamed corn somewhere. Just another imagining of our favorite young heroes and villains! Well maybe not so young…**

**X-Elders Strike! **

Somewhere in some alternate universe there was a Sociable's restaurant full of normal pimply teenagers working. And in this restaurant is where the true terror begins…

"Outta my way!" A bald elderly Scott Summers snapped as he rode his motor scooter on the way into the restaurant. "Move it you young twerps!"

"Yeah young people suck! Heh he!" An elderly Todd Tolansky with long grey hair and wearing a cardigan waddled in with a pot belly and a cane.

"Yah! Senior discount day baby!" Elderly Kurt Wagner hobbled in. His fur was gray in patches and he had gray hair. "Fifteen percent off here I come!"

"Okay we're here!" An elderly Kitty Alvers snapped at her husband. She was about twenty pounds heavier, wearing a nice flowered dress and had her white hair in a bun. "Now do me a favor and try not to make a scene this time?"

"Me? You're the one who threw your desert entrée at that waitress last week?" Lance Alvers snapped at his wife. His long hair was in a ponytail and gray as a mule. Although he was a bit thinner and covered in wrinkles he was still rather spry.

"Will you two shut the hell up?" Elderly Rogue walked in. She was wearing a green pantsuit and her hair had gone completely white. "For crying out loud you make me wish I was as deaf as my husband!"

"What?" Remy walked in on a cane. His hair was white and dapper and so was his short groomed beard. He was wearing a sharp white outfit. "What did you say? My damn hearing aid is on the fritz! Did you steal my batteries again?"

"You bet I did you old fool," Rogue smirked, not facing him so she knew he couldn't read his lips.

"If this is about the toilet seat incident I'm sorry!" Remy snapped.

"Oh boy! Time to eat!" An elderly Hank McCoy shuffled in. His blue fur hung long with grey patches. He wore glasses as well as a brown cardigan and corduroys. "I like peas! Wait, no I don't. What day is it?"

"Beep! Beep! Move it! Move it! Outta my way!" An elderly Quicksilver zoomed in on his motor scooter. He looked like his father only thinner and more elderly. "Ha Ha! I win! You suck Daniels!"

"Listen you jackass! You cheated and you know it!" An old Evan Daniels hobbled in. His spikes had mostly fallen off during old age but he still had some armor plating on his arms and face. His hair had turned white and wore glasses as well as a red sweater and jeans.

"Oh no…" A teenage clerk moaned. "Not them again!"

"I hate senior specials," Another teenage worker was close to tears. "I **hate** them!"

"Steve you're in charge," Another teenager said to the first one. "Can't you throw them out?"

"If I had any real power do you think I'd still be working in this dump?" Steve asked as the mutants made their way to the buffet line.

"Where did you hide my batteries woman?" Remy snapped. "You better not have put them in one of your sex toys again!"

"What if I did? It always worked a lot better than you did!" Rogue snapped.

"I think I am going to be sick…" A teenage waiter looked sick.

"And it lasted a lot longer!" Rogue added.

"Now I **know** I am going to be sick!" The poor teenage waiter ran to throw up somewhere.

"Ooh! Peas!" Hank was at the buffet line. "I like peas…corn…carrots…mashed potatoes…" Then he promptly fell asleep standing up.

"Oh man if Beast loses any more brain cells they're going to have to officially reclassify him as a sponge," Pietro rolled his eyes.

"Wake up man!" Evan prodded Hank with his cane. "You're holding up the buffet line!"

"Huh? Oh…Look at all the food! Are there peas here?" Hank looked around.

"I stand corrected, at least a sponge retains something!" Pietro grumbled.

"Speaking of retaining, I see by the old waistline that your girdle has a bit too much to handle," Lance quipped to his wife. "So is there any water in there or is it all vodka and gin?"

"And least all my fat isn't in my **head!**" Kitty snapped at her husband. "Why I ever married you I'll never know!"

"Here's a clue," Scott said. "About seven months afterwards Avalanche Junior came into the world."

"At least my kid didn't end up as some weird post apocalyptic mutant messiah three million years into the future!" Lance snapped.

"Your kid barely passed dog grooming school!" Scott snapped.

"It's not his fault! He inherited his father's stupid genes!" Kitty snapped. "Thank god our daughters take after me!"

"No, their butts aren't **that** big!" Lance snapped.

"He's got you there Kitty Kat! Oh sorry, Kitty Fat Kat," Pietro cackled.

"You try giving birth to seven kids and see how well your waistline holds up!" Kitty took a swipe at him.

"OW!" Pietro was whacked in the head.

"Too slow!" Kitty taunted.

"Speaking of big butts, I'm just grateful the Blob isn't here," Kurt cackled. "He'd have eaten this whole thing by now. So what? Is this is fourth or fifth triple bypass?"

"Oh no, he don't need them no more," Todd waved. "Don't you remember? He got a heart transplant on his third heart attack. Got one of them fancy cloned dinosaur hearts. Once they replace both of his hips he'll be grazing for years!"

"And to think back in the day they used to think cloning was illegal!" Pietro laughed. "What were we **thinking** back then?"

"I know! Not just body parts but now almost everyone has a cloned mini celebrity at home," Kitty snorted. "Of course I wanted a Heath Ledger but Mister Original here had to buy a herd of Elvises!"

"The proper term is Elvi," Lance snapped. "Which reminds me I'd better take a couple of doggy backs full of fried chicken and pork chops to go."

"Those guys are eating us out of house and home!" Kitty grumbled.

"I don't hear you complaining whenever they go into a chorus of 'Viva Las Vegas'!" Lance snapped.

"I got a Marilyn Monroe and an Anna Nichole at home," Pietro sighed. "Big mistake. You know you would think those two would get along better because they have so much in common? But no, it's one loud catfight night after night. And not the fun kind either. We're talking holes in the wall kind."

"Ouch," Kurt winced.

"I'm thinking of trading them in for a Cher," Pietro said. "Ooh! The last helping of tater tots!"

"Hey! Back off man! Those tater tots are **mine!**" Evan tried to grab them.

"No they're mine!" Remy tried to grab them.

"Get back in line you old fool!" Rogue snapped. Kitty phased through her to get to the tater tots. "Hey! No cutting in line!"

"Deal with it!" Kitty cackled. Then she found her spoon blocked by another. "What?"

"Forget it Pryde, these tater tots are mine!" An old woman with glowing yellow eyes glared at her. Then she sneezed and changed her shape into an elderly Mystique. "Damn it! I hate when that happens. Wet myself too…"

"Mystique! What are you doing here?" Scott yelled.

"Plotting world domination. What do you **think** Cyclops?" Mystique snapped.

"Aren't you dead **yet?**" Rogue snapped.

"With a hernia like this I wish I **was**," Mystique moaned. "Why the hell couldn't I have a healing factor like Wolverine! I should be the one doing a Broadway show now and getting a Tony!"

"I **hate** that guy," Scott growled. "Every time I see him he laughs at my bald spot and my waistline!"

"Your entire head is a bald spot!" Lance quipped. "While I still have my hair! It may be longer and gray but it's still all there! Thick and full and…"

"Who cares Alvers! You're still a hood!" Scott snapped. "You and your Loserhood always lose to us X-Men!"

"Yes but I still have my hair," Lance smiled.

"I HATE YOU!" Scott yelled. "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!"

Hank looked around. "What were we doing again?"

"The Hokey Pokey Hank!" Rogue snapped.

"Goody! _You put your right foot in_…" Hank began to dance around.

"I said it before and I'll say it again," Kurt sighed. "McCoy got blasted one too many times by his own experiments."

"Yoink!" Todd tried to grab the tater tots with his tongue but his aim was off.

"Ahhh!" Scott got a slimy tongue on his bald head. "THAT'S IT! WE X-MEN ARE TAKING THESE TATER TOTS!"

"NOT IF THE BROTHERHOOD GETS THEM FIRST!" Lance shouted.

"You wish! We're gonna clean your clocks!" Evan raised his cane in anger.

"Bring it on!" Pietro made a fist.

"Uh you do know we have more tater tots in the back room right?" Steve asked. "I can just go get them…"

"X-MEN! DEFEND OUR TATER TOTS WITH YOUR MUTANT POWERS!" Scott used his optic blasts. However his aim was off. He blasted a few holes in the wall. "Oops. My bad."

"HA HA HA!" Pietro zoomed around with his scooter. "Can't catch me Daniels!"

"Hold still you…" Evan fumed. He shot out some spikes but they completely missed Pietro's tires and hit a table where some people were eating. "Oops…"

"Okay time to rock!" Lance tried to concentrate. "Oh man how do I do this again? I keep forgetting!"

"How do you forget how to use your own powers?" Kitty shouted.

"I dunno, how do you forget to use a birth control pill?" Lance snapped.

"Oh so it's **my fault** you knocked me up and we had to get married?" Kitty shouted.

"Well you didn't exactly help the situation when you phased my underwear off in the car!" Lance shouted at her.

BOOM! BOOM!

"Sorry!" Remy apologized to another group of people fleeing in terror. "Gambit didn't mean to blow up your food! Gambit's aim is off!"

"Left go off my tung!" Todd yelled.

"When you let go of my tail!" Kurt yelled.

"I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" Rogue shouted as she threw food at Mystique.

"Okay! So I screwed up your life! Can't you get over that already?" Mystique threw food back.

"Uh let me think about it. I've thought about it," Rogue quipped. "NO!"

"_You put your left hip in, you put your left hip out_…" Hank danced around. Something snapped. "Uh oh…" He then fell over. "I've fallen and I can't get up. Ooh peas on the floor! Yummy!"

A youthful Jean wearing a red and gold costume sauntered through the door. "Hello everyone! I'm back from the dead again!"

BOOM! SPLAT! BOOM! KABLAM!

"Never mind…" Jean did an about face and walked away. "Next time I'll just **stay **dead!"

The customers fled in terror. All the waiters could do was watch in horror as the elderly mutants tore up the place. "I do not get paid enough for this!" A waitress moaned.

"They're blasting everything but each other!" Steve shouted.

"Steve can't you **do **something about this? Like call the cops?" A teenage waiter shouted.

"Dude don't you listen to the news?" Another teenage waiter grumbled. "This whole country's gone nuts ever since President Federline signed the Brittney Bill into law! Now anybody over the age of sixty five can do whatever they want!"

"Yeah and everyone under forty has gotta take it," Another waiter grumbled. "Damn the aggressive senior citizen voting population!"

"So what do we do in the meantime?" The first waiter asked.

"Just wait until they run out of steam and fall asleep," The waitress grumbled. "Like we did last week!"

"You think this is bad," Steve sighed. "Wait until Friday's Early Bird Fish Special. That's always a nightmare."


End file.
